Review: Hired to Kill (USA 1990)

Nico Mastorakis’s Hired to Kill is another cheesy Distaff Dirty Dozen, in the vein of Mankillers but with slightly more appropriate combat garb (not booty shorts and tank tops), with soldier of fortune Brian Thompson masquerading as a fashion designer and leading a team of sexy female commandos disguised as sexy fashion models to defeat dictator Oliver Reed on a thinly veiled Cyprus. Lots of swimsuits and explosions ensue, with a light shower of bullets, boobs and pecs.

It’s really a showcase for character actor Thompson, usually notable in bit parts as “that muscly guy” – you may not know his name, but you know him from a million ‘80s and ‘90s flicks and TV shows, alien bounty hunter on The X -Files, helicopter pilot on Miracle Mile, and most entertainingly the villain of Cobra. He’s not the greatest actor in the world but he does have an entertaining intensity and glower – I like him.

Some scattered thoughts:

1. Mastorakis is better known to me for the deeply unpleasant Island of Death, which can best be described in emoji form thusly:
👨 ❤️ 🐐 🍑 

2. Also starring George Kennedy(!), whose main role is exposition and sending a pivotal fax. At one point he gets such a close up you can pick out individual Kennedy nose hairs.

3. Throughout the extremely ‘80s love scene, sweat is visibly dripping off Thompson’s nose, and I kept thinking how that would probably land right in the leading lady’s eyes (that is, if the actors were actually in the same shot together, which they definitely were not).

4. Oliver Reed Report: No nude wrestling, but he does have a John Bolton walrus moustache and kisses Brian Thompson, possibly with tongue.

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